Posted by: ME | July 11, 2015


I’m sitting here in my den, sorta watching Girl Meets World on Disney channel. Our dogs are scratching at the door to go outside. My youngest (15) just had a heart procedure. My mother in law with Alzheimers is requiring twice a week lymphedema therapy in addition to our normal schedule with her. These sweet girls I bore are telling me their plans for the day. Well, one anyway. I just requested turning the now Hannah Montana episode to be the last thing we watch today in favor of pandora radio, their choice. My husband is off running errands for his mom, getting his hair cut, getting some pool supplies, and bringing me a caffeinated beverage on his way home. I have a headache. Its slight but there. And I am trying to write a bit.

Now the dogs are barking to come back in.

Life never slows down, does it?

My oldest girl, my cancer survivor, first baby I fell in complete love with, is going through all of the college motions and emotions, and dragging me along for the ride. Okay, so I am helping her. I am helping her possibly leave this family home for most of the next four years. I am encouraging her to live her dream, God willing, or I am helping her to possibly do this college thing closer to home. It seems like college is EXPECTED and that pressure is palpable. We have 2 goals when it comes to our kids going to college;
1. no loans
2. God guided. Meaning that we are going to do everything necessary to get the best funding and scholarships within our gifts and talents, and leave the rest up to Him. Number 1 is kind of incorporated into number 2.

Thankfully, my youngest is thinking that she wants to stay home. Literally. As in doing all college online from home. We know this is do able and in both cases, we will work together as a family to help our girls achieve their goals.

In the meantime, life is blowing by and to be honest I am slightly depressed.
I need to learn to invest in myself too. This past year or two I have been diagnosed with sleep apnea that I use a CPAP for, and I am just tired. In every way, physically, spiritually, and mentally, I am fried. I’ve learned that it wont be filled by anyone except myself. and in that selfish thinking, I know I have to lean on Jesus, Who fills all voids, Who carries these burdens, Who is the answer to my slight depression.

The problem I am encountering within myself is that I am easily distracted by all the noise in this world that I allow in. I used to find joy in reading a book, a series. more than once sometimes. Every night before sleep fell upon me I’d be reading. I haven’t been able to read a full book in the past 2 years. I start one and it bores me and it lays on my night stand until I try another and then the same thing happens again. At one point there was about 3-4 books on that nightstand just mocking me. I still read a lot, but its articles and short stuff. It’s Facebook and homeschool stuff. I read about photography and college stuff.

Yes, we are caught up in this moment with college stuff and its what I hated most about high school and one small reason I decided to homeschool. College was rammed down our throats since day one of freshman year and I was NOT doing that to my girls. I think there is more to life than college in those high school years. As I mentioned above though, it’s EXPECTED even of us homeschoolers and I am trying to swim upstream by not making it front and center of our lives. My oldest is racing down her own college path and even though I am facilitating it, she most definitely has me along for the ride. And I am proud of her for taking charge and proud of us for doing this together as a family. One friend mentioned that starting in high school, we should just teach to the tests because nothing else even matters. That is exactly the opposite of learning in my opinion, but she is right. It would make life easier, and as a homeschooler we COULD, but then what are we sacrificing? If you have a college bound kid though, time NEEDS to be set aside just for that. Or pay thousands for a prepatory class. Ridiculous.

Also scary is life slowing down though huh?
For me and my hubby, life slowing down means the future death of his mother, and our girls growing up and moving forward. I know things will be relieving and yes, we have done our job as parents in some aspects. All we wish and hope for is JOY in THIS moment. The future quiet is as disconcerting as the craziness of today.

The hubby and I both need prayer. We know how blessed we are, but the joy is hiding and all we feel is intense sarcasm in things we find funny anyway.

Just going through the motions.


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