Posted by: ME | September 22, 2014

An old draft I decided to post

A good friend of mine gifted to me a sweet little book- a devotional, actually- that has been a godsend to me this year. She has no idea but we are going through our second most crazy time in our marriage. First, you may know, was childhood cancer. This time it is a leftover of sorts from that time. We’ve been financially lightly “bleeding” since that time and even though we have fought the bleeding desperately, we have drained ourselves close to dry. And we are both a BIT scared. The devotional, called, “Jesus Calling” by Sara Young, has kept me hoping, head above water, knowing there is a peek of light in our future. I will share an excerpt from this devotional and tell you the craziness that has gotten us to this point in our lives. The short version anyway.

Ok, so you all may know from previous posts that our firstborn developed leukemia when she was two years and ten months. It was in 2000. We were thirty year old parents of two girls and this changed our lives. Our outlook. Our sanity. Our common sense when out of the window. We went through a multitude of emotions; my hubby being just plain old mad and me extremely overwhelmed and confused. We lost my income in that one day. I was an echo tech and even working part time, I did well. We had little credit card debt and a decent amount of school loans. I looked at God in EVERYTHING. I looked FOR God in everything. Yes, I saw Him quite often, but I am a selfish human mother and I took my child from Him often. I also knew, ultimately, His will would win over anyway- and I had to trust in that. Ouch. With the loss of my income, we faced other challenges too. We depended on my income. We weren’t the best savers, other than the 401K’s and for vacations. Vacations are my sanity. Actually, the idea and saving for a vacation- that is my sanity money and enjoyment. I LOVE going places. I love flying. So does my hubby, although travel with work has ruined a few things for him. We haven’t truly vacationed in years now, but that is another story.

We got rid of the cable and cut back on EVERYTHING. Except our grocery bill. That went up. Researching cancer, leukemia specifically, and all of the different chemos they used on our girl had me going down a whirlwind trail of organic foods and complimentary therapies. We did not care that we were using credit cards to pay for all of this because we just wanted our daughter well. I TRULY believe that most of the things we changed and did helped her get through those horrid treatments as healthy as possible. We not only did organic foods, we did the essential oils, the vitamins and herbs, and some kinda quacky testing that naturopaths suggested to help her. I caved like a sinkhole in Florida to most of the hair testing and electro-whatever testing that was offered. I JUST wanted her well. I realized the things that were quacky, mostly due to my faith in Jesus, and just did the things we felt were actually helping her. I WAS aware of money. I was an over the top desperate mother whose balance was somewhere between quacky herself and trying to live “normally”. There are people out there who PREY on mothers like me. I fell victim to one. The electro-whatever therapy person really freaked me out. I did not pursue her suggestions. it was a bad situation. While I was researching and running all of this past my husband, he agreed with it all and we moved forward. We kept on doing the thing we felt were helping. One lesson learned-I don’t regret what we did but I regret how we did it. Money wasn’t even a thought in getting her well. I also learned that some of the pursuing of this lifestyle was out of pure fear. God does NOT intend us to live in fear. That is written 365 times. I am no longer scared. We live with what He provides for us, but boy, it’s tough!

We also had about a 40 minute drive and tolls back and forth to the oncologist weekly and when she was hospitalized. There is only so many movies and crafts you can re-do, so we spent a lot of time purchasing things for our preschool aged girl to have for her hospital stays.

(Don’t get me wrong, we were blessed TREMENDOUSLY with toys and blankets and hats and socks, underwear and dolls and even food sometimes. Our family and friends really rallied around us and helped and prayed for her. Sadly, we were hardly a part of our church family at the time of diagnosis. My brother raised $1500 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in ONE week after she was diagnosed! I have a Caringbridge site filled with blessings)

My husband was in school for his masters. We realized we could roll our newly acquired credit card debt into a school loan he was already approved for. Looking back this was the MOST HUMONGOUS MISTAKE EVER. Back then, we thought it was smart, because the interest rates were so low. Who knew we would be facing this wall though? We thought by now we would be rolling in some dough. LOL! We not only did this mistake once, but twice. TWICE. Ten years have gone by and the balance has not barely budged. Now we are facing college in our near future for our beloved cancer survivor. She is an amazing kid. Normal teenager. Well, normal as can be anyway! Her sweet little sister is two years behind her. We forbid them from school loans. We will not even co-sign for one. If they get one on their own, we will be disappointed, but it will be theirs. We will help them with college to our best ability. They will not be on their own.

The thing about school loans is that if you ever have financial difficulties down the line, NO ONE can do a thing for you. You cannot bargain with them or renegotiate terms. You cannot get them to lower your monthly bill. Just to clarify, this is a private student loan, not a federal. They will not work with you at all.

We find ourselves here at the wall. Empty. Scared.

We have to live and move forward though. One thing cancer taught me was that you have to keep going, you have to LIVE. Time can be short and you truly have no idea what tomorrow can bring. How do you people balance this?!!??? Apparently, we did not do well. My husband makes a good income. We don’t roll in the dough though! LOL.
We used our 401K to help stay above water. We are now 43. How scary is that!?

On being scared; this is where the devotional comes in.

Picture Jesus sitting by you with His arm around you like a friend…

“Rest in Me , my child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey WITH Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your Constant Companion, who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don’t even FEEL the strong GRIP of MY HAND holding yours. How foolish you are my child! Remembrance of me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of My Presence with you. This will keep you resting in Me all day, every day”. (June 10th, “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young, based on 1 Thessalonians 5:17 and Psalm 62:5)

here is a link…..

http://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Calling-Sarah-Young/dp/1400320119/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1371154589&sr=1-4&keywords=jesus+calling

 

How then, can we be sooooo scared of our future, or lack therof?

All I can think of is that we are human, we made mistakes that lead up to this moment and we question our new decisions. I read a great blog about this subject and his conclusion is that we will never find what we are looking for while we are so scared. While his post did not lead back to “giving it to God”, I interpreted it that way.

God bless!

 

 

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