Posted by: ME | August 10, 2013

Some things are HARD to write about….

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Yesterday we were relayed news from my dads primary doctor that he is not going to get better. That he will most probably die in the next few months. I know they don’t know all but my sibs and I really have lately felt this was the route he was taking anyway.

Even if he recovers a little, he will still always be dependent on a nursing facility because none of us are in a situation to take him home. For now, he is having many TIA’s and his brain function is declining rather than improving. His rehab has gone nowhere for the last few weeks. He was transferred to skilled nursing and shown no progress so now insurance won’t pay for that any longer. I asked the doctor is we were looking at a hospice situation or a nursing home situation. He most clearly suggested hospice if it was his dad.

Not more than 3 months ago my husband brought our girls and my dad to Disney’s Hollywood Studios where my dad wanted to ride Rockin Roller Coaster and then got in line with our oldest to ride Tower of Terror. At the time I was not so happy that my husband didn’t deter him from riding. My hubby won’t even ride Tower of Terror! I didn’t know this was happening until he sent me a picture of my dad riding Rockin Roller Coaster. I called my dad right away to make sure he was okay because not a year earlier he got really dizzy after riding Primeval Whirl in Disney’s Animal Kingdom. Dad immediately told me he’d have to call me back (laughing, mind you) because he was getting ready to get in the elevator ride of Tower of Terror. I was at a moms night out that night so all of my friends with me know about my feelings about this experience!

Looking back, I am every thankful to my husband. I am so thankful our kids were able to enjoy this last thrill with my dad. What a wonderful memory! I was not there for a reason. God put me where I needed to be. Not there to deter him from a good time.

Now that we are facing the end of my dads book of life, I’m doing lots of reminiscing. I am also in excruciating pain inside. The dad chapter of MY life will end soon. I am in between making calls, pulling paperwork out, talking to my siblings constantly and doctors now and then. Social workers, one in particular, are amazing. A particular aunt and uncle, their daughter in law, and my mom have been instrumental in our sanity. Also trying to get school planning completed and my kids to stay on schedule. Yet I am stressed to a halt. I only had this feeling one other time in my life when our oldest had cancer as a little one. I cannot focus on anything and I am tired all of the time. It’s nothing anyone can help, or do, or take away-but I appreciate the many offers of help.

Once again in my life I FEEL the prayers and love pouring out and I know I have friends and family lifting us up. Knowing this makes all the difference to me. I know this is Jesus carrying us and there are one set of footprints in the sand.

I am happily at peace with my dad. We had many differences but I also know that he understood when I talked about my faith, even though he disagreed with how we carry it out(not Catholic anymore). He couldn’t even acknowledge our change of religion but in the last few weeks he lived with us he told me that we were Catholic as can be. I will take that as a compliment from him because that is about how much he can accept my faith journey. And he’s never accepted it before.

It’s so silly but one tiny teeny little regret I have is not getting him to EPCOT to ride Soarin’. I know he would’ve loved that ride because he loved to fly. Really it’s silly I know. If that is all I regret with my daddy I’ll say we have done okay. Not gonna take the pain away of losing him but I KNOW he will be in heaven and I WILL see him again.

I may share everything I learned from him over time. But I will tell you this; growing up and having my parents together for 18 of my years- he was THE BEST DADDY of all.

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