Posted by: ME | February 11, 2011

Perfect Valentines gift….

http://www.bronxzoo.com/name-a-roach/

Can you believe I even have a roach picture on this blog!!!!!!!!!! I need to type fast because it’s just the grossest thing ever, but it was advertised last night to actually pay $10 to name a Madagascar cockroach and send the card to your love.

My oldest pet one of these once. I was cringing and wiggling in my pants-EWWWWW!

They hiss. They’re brown. They’re sneaky. They surprise you in a BAD way. They survive nuclear weapons!!!!  They are ugly.  Some fly.  They chase you.  They CRUNCH when someone else steps on them.

WHY????? God ???? WHY????!!! Why do You allow these creatures to be strong enough to last through a nuclear disaster, but we are so fragile as humans???

My sole purpose in this house and on my lot is to annihilate them all. I refuse to live with such creatures. REFUSE. Please, Lord don’t let me have to see one soon for cursing one of your creations(see me hovering and holding my hands over my head waiting for a lightning strike of roaches in my home, or NEAR my home?).

If my husband ever gave me a named cockroach for Valentines or any other event that gifts are given, I will pass out. Then I will send him on Tower of Terror many many times because he hates that ride due to a REALLY BAD flight experience. Hmmph.

This is the ONE thing about Florida that has kept me inside. I LOVE my yard. It backs up to woods. But all the warnings about living in a subtropical area and how big those “palmetto bugs” get. Honestly, I see them more often by water. I have only seen 2 in my home and one was DEAD, thank God. The other was ON my freaking water faucet in my bath tub.

One late night I was going to run my water. I leaned over to plug the tub and RIGHT near my face was a striped roach, perched up on the top of the faucet head. I ran right out to my hubby, who (willies here) crunched it and flushed it for me. I then took one of the quickest baths in history, just in case he had friends anywhere nearby. See how sneaky they are? And quiet? My face was less than a foot from it and THAT, my friends, is completely unacceptable!

I snore and I have FEAR that I’ll wake up with one in my mouth or something that I may need psychotherapy over. I may need to be put into some insane asylum if that ever happens (Dear Lord, just because I am voicing this , please don’t allow the experience, please!!!).

I’ve read about getting over phobias. “Put a picture up of one on your fridge”.Umm, no. “Put a dead one in a clear dish or jar and set it out where you can see it regularly” . Really? “Get a live one in a jar as the last step to getting rid of this phobia”. I have many nasty words for people who came up with that #@$^%*&(*)(*_*_*&&^&$##$@)_)@#@!!!!!

So, my advice is, get a cockroach for your Valentine if you are looking for a way to break it off. It’s be a sure thing for someone like me.

(Okay, so after reading this to my kids, they have informed me that they have come across other ones, mostly dead thanks to the exterminator. An exterminator is a MUST after buying a foreclosure in central Florida. If you can, get 2 and don’t tell them about each other because they may not allow that much chemical in the yard or in the walls of the house)

Advertisements

Responses

  1. Oh, Lori, you crack me up! I couldn’t read this without busting a gut! I honestly could hear you speak every word. I pray that you have an uneventful sleep, tonight and always.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: